good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
