Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize