i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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