dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
