I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
