You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
