My balls are so social today.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize