Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
