I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
