Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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