I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
