and my herpes radar will keep us safe
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
