The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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