i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
