I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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