if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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