This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
