turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You pole danced in your parka.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
