Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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