I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
i think i just lost a toe
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
