think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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