i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
