3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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