epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize