I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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