the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
