ya dads aren't the best wingmen
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
