You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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