hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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