My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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