Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
