No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
