my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
