I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Randomize
