In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
