I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
