Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
