Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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