if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Actions speak louder than pants.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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