She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Who died my cat blue again?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
