I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
