I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize