I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
