i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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