ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
