Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
