I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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