Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
