she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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