I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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