I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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