i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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