You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
