also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
