the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
