I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
