just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
