Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
