we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
