Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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