Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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