It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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